And will they live happily ever after?

It is the worst and the best times. I had been in such a bad state lately with two episodes back to back and yet I am almost getting married. Simon says I should treat it is as just another day, so worried he is that I get excited yet again about the marriage and end up postponing it.

I am grateful to have Simon by my side though he has been a part of my online life for the past five years. A virtual relationship is not real to me and I got a taste of how he is like in real life last week for three days, tomorrow he is is coming and I hope I get the status letter of his bachelorhood tomorrow at the post office and with it Registry of Muslim Marriages (ROMM) will probably get our go ahead for a marriage soon.

I have to get myself always down to earth and not have my heads up in the clouds. Reality is true grit, mania is wilderness. I have to pick myself up after each episode, it is not easy, I have my depression after mania and it is happening now, though it is not so obvious. I feel regret and shame over what I had done and it eats into me.

Of course with the wedding I am  a little distracted but I don't want to go yoyoing into another episode. Simon is scared it will happen again and reminds me to stay grounded. I am happy to have a partner who cares for me and loves me in no matter what shape and condition I am in. I treat him as someone new in my life that I have fallen in love with. He treats me as an old lover. There is much to discover about each other and while it is exciting it is also scary.

I just talked to a friend with a 20 year old marriage which is not a  real marriage as  they had always been in different countries. There is nothing pleasant about it she said, saying that remaining in marriage she is assured that he maintains the children. She don't know if he will neglect this duty once divorced. Unless she falls in love again, she would remain in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children.

And I had been in a failed marriage too and seen marriages challenged near and far, so marrying again is scary   to say the least  so I just put my faith in God to help me find bliss this time around. One day at a time I will weave a fabric that is pretty and resistant that can be passed on to the next generations. Amin.

Stop complaining said the farmer, who asked you a cow to be?

Today is a rather unproductive day though I will try and salvage it tonight, I hope I can at least write and article on heritage mosques in Singapore for The Singapore Muslim A to Z Guide. Then I'd be happy. Too much time spent, cooking, cleaning and washing today and of course I went to Hong Kah Point to collect my spectacles and went to McDonald's to have coffee and a cinnamon melt. I am satiated today with just a little bit of mushroom spaghetti, wish to make spaghetti bolognoise one day for Hykel and me. Ayesha's has to be vegetarian.

I have been on sms through the afternoon with my friend who is single and has four children and is not working. She and her children has so many needs and wants that cannot be fulfilled by charity alone. She has no choice but to work but she is hesitating and not pursuing the matter for in her heart, her children needs her at home. I told her her children needs her to work and she will still find time in the evenings to be with them. I pray she gets a job soon, more than that, she gets a life and quit complaining about her ex, her kids and her poverty. I told her she should quit looking for other people to make her happy, like good children, a good boyfriend or husband that she is looking for and instead make herself happy. It is her relationship with God that is the crux of the matter, if she finds solace in Him, lives only for Him, then life will be blissful inshaallah. I'm sleepy, think I'll take a short nap.

Gopal Das

Yesterday I dreamed of Gopal Das, the Eck Master though yesterday he was Indian not the blond haired blue-eyed man who came in an earlier dream. In this dream yesterday I came out happily from a lift to a lobby with three swamis on a settee. Their long hair was standing straight up and pretty soon mine went up to. We were all merry and laughing and them I felt the presence of Gopal Das behind me and I awoke happy I'd been with Gopal Das who made my hair stand.

What is the meaning of this strangely happy dream?  

Are you in my heart forever?

Someday you'll see
A brand new me
Who does as she says
Who will lead the play

Someday you'll see
The love flowing through
The meltdown of feelings
Will set you free

Someday we'll be together
You and me forever
You make me discover
New feelings for each other

Chorus

Are you near?
Are you here?
Are you in my heart forever?

Are you near?

Are you here?

Are you in my heart forever?

When a child cries

When you see a child cry, hug her tight and don't let her go till she has dried her tears. For in your arms there is comfort and happiness.

A song of my own

It seems a little silly now that I have two blogs and have to maintain two instead of one. It is just that I wanted  a blog under my company name rather than my name and to focus more on work, but it all sorts of blend into each other so wither the difference?

I have an interview to do today on my article of Mums who own FB boutiques, I am glad the editor of the daily newspaper thought it interesting to do along with my ex-con and ex-%^&* turned artist and professional article. I proposed about four articles and he picked two after some silence as he is a really busy man. Anyway I am raring to go and happy with my articles in Manja which has been published.

Goes to show that I have to work hard and produce as much as is possible without losing that laid back feeling as I wake up each day and slowly ease myself into work.

I am now in my jammies, ha ha, just swept the house and plonked right back to my dutiful friend, my pc. Nothing much happening there these days. I am meeting my new fb friend on Monday for drinks and looking forward to meeting a person whom you had wonderful chats with.

I was thinking I must write something inspiring for my blog is mywordstoinspire.blogspot.com so let me think of one for the next entry.

Anyways, I went to a spontaneous song writing program Isdar and it was a novel way of self expression coming up with spontaneous lyrics and melody and recording them. I am not proud of my work but there is a song that I really want to put into music. In fact it has been recorded by Khair M Yasin a singer songwriter and I am forever grateful to him. He is encouraging me to record the song, but I think I'd rather hear him sing it than me.

Chores aside

The kitchen is in a mess and I am not ready to tackle the second last chore for today. Which is to clean the kitchen, and then after that to fold the laundry. Luckily I have a few more hours before my daughter Ayesha returns home. I am sorry to say that I have been giving her simple meals for the past few days and she complained the vegetables were not fresh yesterday. Poor girl, she has been subjected to my lacklustre cooking while Nek is out.

I am not wanting to spend extra so I have been cooking what's available and today it is kai lan soup with soya sauce beef and potato and fried beancurd. It has to do. I know it does not excite the palate.

Yesterday what excited my palate was a bowl of soto or chicken soup with rice cakes and potato pattie and wow was it so declicious I wallop it in a jiffy, and did not give my sister a second chance at tasting it. Haha, she nearly ordered another bowl of soto having had the equally good mee rebus at Kg Glam Cafe but we decided we will look too greedy and beside, I was full from all the drinks.

I am feeling equally bloated after a small lunch and lots of water. In fact I am beginning to feel sleepy. Think I'll snooze then clean. Mmmmmzzzzzzz.

Pyramid Meditation with Apekman

Last night I walked the stretch of Chinatown with my Apekman, my best senior citizen friend whom with his bermudas and polo shirt and cap and purple backpack and beautiful sandals remind me of a kid on an adventure. We were about to discover Pyramind Meditation, having turned up for this meetup.com free event.

Chinese New Year was palpably in the air with the decorations and many shops still closed and in from of a karaoke pub we found a pair of ladies in tight short red dresses firing some crackers.

This new year I have been with Apekman thrice, one to celebrate over wine, siew mai and sushi at his home near where I lived and one more time sitting at Chinese Garden at night, discussing everything under the stars.

Our friendship has been for nearly 10 years and he has been beside me through thick and thin, always giving me love, faith and knowledge. It is from him that I learn more of the secrets to the universe and we were on an adventure together on our spiritual development that cross all religious borders. He is a Catholic and I am a Muslim and we have respect for each others beliefs.

So there we were sitting under handmade plastic pyramids, mine a bright blue and in the darkness for one hour we meditated, focusing on our breaths. It was my first time in a group meditation apart from up short sessions during yoga. We were at a yoga centre at South Bridge Road and I felt comfortable with the group which was a good mix of Chinese, Malays and Indians.

At the end of the session we shared our experiences and I shared that in the darkness I saw many pyramids on a plain and I saw the colour purple. Interesting was my recollection of a similar meditation session on my own when I had actually traveled through space and time just a week earlier. I saw myself as a scribe, a man in 15th century Brussels. I am looking forward to the Full Moon meditation come next week  and I hope it will be more awesome. I did not buy the pyramid hat that was on sale for meditation at home. I am not sure if my family will understand. The pyramid structure helps to focus energy and give food placed under it more lasting power. It gives humans to more spiritual power, something like that anyway.

Racing and streaming thoughts

It is a buzz to be on a creative spurt but it is also very draining. I need lots of rest in between the sprints and lots of water too. It is now my bedtime at 10.30 am as I wake up at 5am to prepare Ayesha's breakfast and lunch. It will be simple vegetarian burger for her lunch and bread with Nutella, toasted for breakfast. I have three appointments tomorrow so I must have rest in the morning after my walk.

Today I walked 135 blocks away and took a bus home after having two soft-boiled eggs with teh tarik at a coffeeshop. It feels good to be free to make choices in life. To have peace within and without. The peace to breathe and hear your thoughts streaming or racing.

Tristan Jacob

Youth becomes you


Save your eyes of old


They spoke of past and present hurts


Wild nights, seeds unsown


Yet fatherhood becomes you


A protector of the unborn


You play with her wide-awake curiosity


Which mirrors your own


You dance with life


The meaning of philosophy


You sleep with the enemy


To learn secrets untold


Unfold its honey


The doors to eternity


You step not the borders


Of lies and trysts


Tristan you peddled dreams


Of distant lands and disinhibitions


Freedom from lust


The animal unfolds


You turned the other cheek


And build castles in shifting sands


The leaves of love you gather


You make a bonfire


Whenever you die


Your ashes to phoenix rise


Your heart is in the right place


Your warmth embrace


Life knows no bounds


For eternal is your soul


In fraternal spirit we meet


In body we feat


Tristan, there shall be no defeat


8.2.2011

Your Kiss

Without a touch
You kiss my lips
In a beautiful garden
I feel your heat on my skin
The wind whispers poems
We are seldom two
Even though near we are far in sight
Your nature's kiss is my embrace
To the soul
My spirit
A gift
Of your Kiss

7.2.2011

Traveling Light

Where does a journey begins?  Is it in the heart, the mind or the soul? Truly it is inseparable. It begins at the beginning where there was Him and Him alone. “I was a hidden treasure and I wish to be known. Therefore I created.” I am His creation and I am a jewel being polished to shine till I find the hidden treasure, again and again.

Last night, my soul travelled again to the vast universe. I close my eyes and I see darkness of space and the lights which are angels, multitudes of them. I see purple lights and I enter them and saw objects and people in space and time. They whiz by as I pan by them and they are moving at high speed but a speed slower than light so I can make them out as something from a bygone era in Europe. People in old world costumes, horses, carriages, household paraphenalia.

I saw the galaxy of stars and I approach a black hole and as I enter I saw what is on the other side, a parallel universe much like Earth. I enter a portal which will tell my fortune and I saw many tables with writings, books, pens, stamps, from the past, in Europe of the 15th century. I am Yohanna and my name means Life in Arabic or God is Gracious in Hebrew.

My soul knows multiple lives in multiple parallel universes, in all I was always the scribe, I write, that is what I do. I am a writer. I am a teacher. I am a traveler. Now I know I don’t need planes because I am flying without wings. I fly as the light travels. I travel light.

Pinch Me My Prince

I wish to say I do not know you
Yet I think we have met
My being feels the touch
Of a lover's kiss
Yesteryears
Centuries reborn
I see I
In your iris of blue
You were my prince
Once upon a time
You kissed me
And I slept
Never to wake up
From Dreamland
Pinch me I am dreaming now

Ciumanmu

Tanpa menyentuh
Kau cium bibirku
Di satu taman nan indah
Ku rasakan hangat di kulitku
Angin sepoi-sepoi bahasa
Tidak biasa kita berdua
Namun dekat jauh di mata
Ciuman alam adalah dakapanmu
Pada sang rohani
Kalbuku
Anugerah
Ciumanmu

6.2.2011

You are my cup of coffee

I am eating mee soto, a Malay dish made of Chinese noodles and spicy chicken soup. Last night I was too hungry after my Understanding the Quran class and had dinner with my sister and Ummi at Geylang. I am just having a small portion of my mum's best mee soto for breakfast.

Today is a departure from most days when I do not sleep after subuh. I am wide awake, I think I should change my sleep pattern to sleep at 10 and wake up at 5 and not sleep back thereafter. I love the fresh morning air, in fact I am going to walk in the park after my breakfast.

Breakfast is an apple and lots of water first thing in the morning and something a bit more substantial, but not too much a little later. I am having mostly the chicken soup and the potato cutlet, I am not interested in the noodles in this mee soto. My mum bought an insipid noodle which is of a different brand and the bean sprouts are limp, I like them raw for the crunch.

I submitted my two articles for the wedding supplement of Manja yesterday and I hope my editor likes it. It didn't take me long to cook up the stories, but when you are working it out, you need a little patience and leave time for it to grow as you piece the puzzle through. In between you get writers' block when you can't really write anything because the story is not ripe, so you just have to chill and hang out with friends. I haven't been out for more than two weeks until the day before yesterday. I love coffee and conversations, in that order.

I am having my half mug of coffee now, I have cut down basically to two half mugs of coffee a day when I am home. Here is a poem to catch my morning coffee mood:

Ode to Coffee
I hold your cup of temptation in my hand
I feel the heat warming my inner vessel
You fill my senses with it
I am quick witted and alert
All I need is some conversation
That goes with this bit of poison
You kill me but ever so softly
I am putty in your hands
Always, I imbibe you with my passion

2.2.2011

Love to Snooze

Snoozy the grey striped Burmese kitten crawled beneath my skirt and purred loudly like a machine as she claimed the sacred centre of my lap. She dug her claws and kneaded my bare thighs, careful not to leave a mark on the virgin patch. She deliciously licks her paws. I can feel her sweet motions as even when all I can see a a ball of life inside my skirt. Snoozy is about to snooze now, warm and cosy as only a kitten can be. Her soft purrs as she dozes off send me to dreamland. Snoozy and me we love to snooze.

Etches of the heart

The room is darkening as the skies turn grey and growls of rain-laden clouds make the presence felt. I feel absolutely cocooned and cosy in my three roomed flat and I am looking forward to the hot cereal drink I am making. It pays to work from home when the skies are about to burst asunder.

I have to revise my proposals for my novels projects and prepare to make the presentations to three separate parties. Hope these projects get through.

I want to share this short poem that

 I made while doodling on my notebook at Dome's cafe at the Singapore Art Museum. Ayesha wanted to study there with me yesterday but it was closed for renovation and so we dined and worked at Hanis instead at the National Library in Bugis. I had a wonderful time with my divine daughter.

Some mumblings:

Life is bliss when the heart is at peace

Life is full when the mind is cool

Life is bountiful when the spirit is beautiful

Life is me.

P.S. I am Yohanna and in Arabic it means Life. In Hebrew it means God is Gracious.

A Food Change

I just realised my low mood the past week is probably due to PMS or Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. I thought it was due to a change in diet, which was not really that drastic actually.

I am not sure what diet I am on but it involves supposedly cutting down on caffeine and sugar which I did not successfully do for the first week. I managed to get started on eating brown rice and organic baby oats and I am definitely successful with drinking apple cider vinegar with honey before I eat my two main meals. Next week I will be taking wheat grass capsules for added vitamins an minerals.

Today Rah told me I should take raw food, pause here, I'll eat my Chinese pear, and eat fish oil and protein. Then I should be all right, it is another simple diet I can probably maintain. I think I should cut some celery and carrot sticks to eat with some dip. Also always slice a tomato to go with my meals, either with cucumber and salad.

I haven't been thinking of my diet for a long time and it is nice to see a change. But today I made an Indian treat ghulab jamun, it was unsuccessful. But the balls have been mostly eaten. I cannot stomach anymore of these sweets, I had four balls.

Much ado over $5

What can $5 buy you, almost a whole chicken, just add $0.60 and you will get one. Maybe that is why the Chinese woman at the market refused to return to my mother the $5 note she dropped. As the woman was about to pick it, my mum told her that it belonged to her as she had just dropped it. The woman ignored her and walked away.

My mum, annoyed followed her to the next shop and said, "You took my money, you eat the money, you will get bad luck." Still the errant lady staged a "wall face", muka tembok as we say it in Malay.

It just goes to show that different people have different values and even my values from my mum differ. I would think maybe she needed the money more than me and wished her well. Maybe it had been a long time since she could afford a chicken.