And will they live happily ever after?

It is the worst and the best times. I had been in such a bad state lately with two episodes back to back and yet I am almost getting married. Simon says I should treat it is as just another day, so worried he is that I get excited yet again about the marriage and end up postponing it.

I am grateful to have Simon by my side though he has been a part of my online life for the past five years. A virtual relationship is not real to me and I got a taste of how he is like in real life last week for three days, tomorrow he is is coming and I hope I get the status letter of his bachelorhood tomorrow at the post office and with it Registry of Muslim Marriages (ROMM) will probably get our go ahead for a marriage soon.

I have to get myself always down to earth and not have my heads up in the clouds. Reality is true grit, mania is wilderness. I have to pick myself up after each episode, it is not easy, I have my depression after mania and it is happening now, though it is not so obvious. I feel regret and shame over what I had done and it eats into me.

Of course with the wedding I am  a little distracted but I don't want to go yoyoing into another episode. Simon is scared it will happen again and reminds me to stay grounded. I am happy to have a partner who cares for me and loves me in no matter what shape and condition I am in. I treat him as someone new in my life that I have fallen in love with. He treats me as an old lover. There is much to discover about each other and while it is exciting it is also scary.

I just talked to a friend with a 20 year old marriage which is not a  real marriage as  they had always been in different countries. There is nothing pleasant about it she said, saying that remaining in marriage she is assured that he maintains the children. She don't know if he will neglect this duty once divorced. Unless she falls in love again, she would remain in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children.

And I had been in a failed marriage too and seen marriages challenged near and far, so marrying again is scary   to say the least  so I just put my faith in God to help me find bliss this time around. One day at a time I will weave a fabric that is pretty and resistant that can be passed on to the next generations. Amin.

Stop complaining said the farmer, who asked you a cow to be?

Today is a rather unproductive day though I will try and salvage it tonight, I hope I can at least write and article on heritage mosques in Singapore for The Singapore Muslim A to Z Guide. Then I'd be happy. Too much time spent, cooking, cleaning and washing today and of course I went to Hong Kah Point to collect my spectacles and went to McDonald's to have coffee and a cinnamon melt. I am satiated today with just a little bit of mushroom spaghetti, wish to make spaghetti bolognoise one day for Hykel and me. Ayesha's has to be vegetarian.

I have been on sms through the afternoon with my friend who is single and has four children and is not working. She and her children has so many needs and wants that cannot be fulfilled by charity alone. She has no choice but to work but she is hesitating and not pursuing the matter for in her heart, her children needs her at home. I told her her children needs her to work and she will still find time in the evenings to be with them. I pray she gets a job soon, more than that, she gets a life and quit complaining about her ex, her kids and her poverty. I told her she should quit looking for other people to make her happy, like good children, a good boyfriend or husband that she is looking for and instead make herself happy. It is her relationship with God that is the crux of the matter, if she finds solace in Him, lives only for Him, then life will be blissful inshaallah. I'm sleepy, think I'll take a short nap.

Gopal Das

Yesterday I dreamed of Gopal Das, the Eck Master though yesterday he was Indian not the blond haired blue-eyed man who came in an earlier dream. In this dream yesterday I came out happily from a lift to a lobby with three swamis on a settee. Their long hair was standing straight up and pretty soon mine went up to. We were all merry and laughing and them I felt the presence of Gopal Das behind me and I awoke happy I'd been with Gopal Das who made my hair stand.

What is the meaning of this strangely happy dream?  

Are you in my heart forever?

Someday you'll see
A brand new me
Who does as she says
Who will lead the play

Someday you'll see
The love flowing through
The meltdown of feelings
Will set you free

Someday we'll be together
You and me forever
You make me discover
New feelings for each other

Chorus

Are you near?
Are you here?
Are you in my heart forever?

Are you near?

Are you here?

Are you in my heart forever?

When a child cries

When you see a child cry, hug her tight and don't let her go till she has dried her tears. For in your arms there is comfort and happiness.

A song of my own

It seems a little silly now that I have two blogs and have to maintain two instead of one. It is just that I wanted  a blog under my company name rather than my name and to focus more on work, but it all sorts of blend into each other so wither the difference?

I have an interview to do today on my article of Mums who own FB boutiques, I am glad the editor of the daily newspaper thought it interesting to do along with my ex-con and ex-%^&* turned artist and professional article. I proposed about four articles and he picked two after some silence as he is a really busy man. Anyway I am raring to go and happy with my articles in Manja which has been published.

Goes to show that I have to work hard and produce as much as is possible without losing that laid back feeling as I wake up each day and slowly ease myself into work.

I am now in my jammies, ha ha, just swept the house and plonked right back to my dutiful friend, my pc. Nothing much happening there these days. I am meeting my new fb friend on Monday for drinks and looking forward to meeting a person whom you had wonderful chats with.

I was thinking I must write something inspiring for my blog is mywordstoinspire.blogspot.com so let me think of one for the next entry.

Anyways, I went to a spontaneous song writing program Isdar and it was a novel way of self expression coming up with spontaneous lyrics and melody and recording them. I am not proud of my work but there is a song that I really want to put into music. In fact it has been recorded by Khair M Yasin a singer songwriter and I am forever grateful to him. He is encouraging me to record the song, but I think I'd rather hear him sing it than me.

Chores aside

The kitchen is in a mess and I am not ready to tackle the second last chore for today. Which is to clean the kitchen, and then after that to fold the laundry. Luckily I have a few more hours before my daughter Ayesha returns home. I am sorry to say that I have been giving her simple meals for the past few days and she complained the vegetables were not fresh yesterday. Poor girl, she has been subjected to my lacklustre cooking while Nek is out.

I am not wanting to spend extra so I have been cooking what's available and today it is kai lan soup with soya sauce beef and potato and fried beancurd. It has to do. I know it does not excite the palate.

Yesterday what excited my palate was a bowl of soto or chicken soup with rice cakes and potato pattie and wow was it so declicious I wallop it in a jiffy, and did not give my sister a second chance at tasting it. Haha, she nearly ordered another bowl of soto having had the equally good mee rebus at Kg Glam Cafe but we decided we will look too greedy and beside, I was full from all the drinks.

I am feeling equally bloated after a small lunch and lots of water. In fact I am beginning to feel sleepy. Think I'll snooze then clean. Mmmmmzzzzzzz.